The best thing about having kids is the delightful way they wrangle words. Forget cuddles, kisses and tickles. Adorable toddler speak is the winner for me.*
The best is when they mangle up and mispronounce words. Alice (now seven) called butterflies butt flies.
In 2013 we went to Ha-wa-wee—otherwise known as Hawaii. At the time my two year old Jessica used it so much, it quickly spread to the rest of the family on the trip—aunties, uncles, cousins, and of course granddad (who paid for the whole trip, thanks Grandy).
We still call it Ha-wa-wee to this day.
Most embarrassing for me was when Lucy (age three) shouted at the movies: “I want COCKPORN”! No, we don’t share adult content with our toddler. Popcorn.
Most adorably, Lucy called elephants ‘elecorns’. It was sad day when she pronounced elephants properly. Luckily, she calls the iPad ‘hi-bab’ so I can still enjoy that—for now. One day will be the last day she says it… and I’m not crying… someone’s cutting onions nearby… they’re making a lasagna….
My children not being enough of a source for delightful word mangling, I soon looked beyond my family for more rib-tickling examples. I was like an addict looking for her next hit.
I asked parents in my local business group and got a few more for my collection.
Carolyn: angus pangus for agapanthus
Janna: cuggle instead of cuddle (my Lucy says huggle)
Lynda: par cark for car park
Jodie: boppom for bottom and b’kwala for koala
Bhavika: sun-scream for sunscreen
Armed with this success I posted in Like Minded Bitches Drinking Wine and Freelance Jungle.
And oh, crikey did it go off! If I was an addict, I would have suffered a serious overdose. But luckily this is the kind of addiction that it’s impossible to overdo. Like gratitude or early episodes of The Simpson’s, there is no such thing as too much.
I had hundreds of comments. More than 300 comments in all. Thank you very much to everyone who commented. I’ve included most of them here for your reading pleasure. The ones in bold are my personal favourites.
Special mention to my sister’s girlfriends sister (got that?) for this one: Mastania for Tasmania. Jenni, I’m sure Michael (now aged 18) will not be reading this blog to find out you ratted on him…
Erika: hosterbuilder for hospital
Katie: seagirls for seagulls, lemonator for laminator, punk-nin for pumpkin, triplins for triplets
Shannyn: sea-gails for seagulls
Tamara: Charnee for Charlie, markets for Marcus, cockalock for chocolate, bumblebum for bubblegum
Elizabeth: cheesegaggler and wizzy for cheeseburger and fizzy drink
Agnes: hallowind for Halloween, cousind for cousin, samali for salami, fisk it for fix it
Alexis: sunbrella for umbrella, soupcase for suitcase
Julie: macaronia for macaroni, follyhop for lollypop
Natalie: garbacue sauce for barbecue sauce, ninished for finished, dajamas for pajamas, sawded (as in I sawded a movie), dananas for bananas, apoosh for apples, wan for won, pine nipple for pineapple, ninna for vanilla, begetables for vegetables
Amanda: solit for vomit (the cat vomits often), mounge for lounge, seenix for Phoenix (a cousin)
Ruth: sexy old molars for six year old molars
Soonah: outside-inside for inside out
Katrina: hell-toe for hotel, terrible giraffe for terrible draught, liar for lawyer
Nia: epileptic for eclectic
Deborah: hanaburg for hamburger
Claire: sanibibs for sandwich
Ariane: quiche in the rain for quiche Lorraine
Liz: bugger for butter “big bugger on toast mummy”
Tamie: pomato for tomato
Rachel: meme for mandarine
Kate: crowns for crayons
Elaine: humandidifer for dehumidifier, pies for eyes
Skye: crap for crack, spacebugs for tastebuds, really-ised for realised
Melissa: rijokulous for ridiculous, tooken for taken, hunormous for enormous, twoing for doing twos
Trish: gyno-roars for dinosaurs
Kim: hopper-grasser for grasshopper
Erin: masterbaker for MasterChef
Michelle: happytopter for helicopter
Franka: helicottana for helicopter
Sue-Ellen: fermember for remember
Alex: piece of pasta for police officer
Sabrina: vagina for feijoa
Vicky: garbage sock for garbage truck, knot for snot
Karla: lets anga for lasagna
Elka: salami for tsunami
Anna: kolala for koala
Danielle: samali for salami, for purpose for on purpose
Emily: crackabacka for chiropractor, and oh cheeses for oh Jesus
Maureen: kenfucky fried chicken for Kentucky Fried Chicken
Helen: cock for clock (he would point to people’s watch and say ‘cock’)
Michelle: eye flashes for eyelashes
Joe: earbrows for eyebrows
Becky: making Lego, my son made the ‘Empire Steak Building’
Sharon: impotent for impatient
Susie: hopcorn for popcorn,
Joe: amorrow for tomorrow and amember for remember
Shai: shut the door for dinosaur
Mekila: muddy cuddles for muddy puddles
Stephanie: hucklers for glasses
Prue: virgin for version
Julie: cabsi for taxi, embelope for envelope, twigs and beetles for pins and needles
Cheree: hangcoat instead of coat hanger
Kelly: cock for clock (my son shouted “big cock mummy” outside the jewelers”)
Nat: titty for teddy and the bar for bottle
Natasha: celihoptor for helicopter, push on for cushion
Philippa: Kevin for heaven
Sarah: car key for carry
Sandra: smarshmallow for marshmallow, camote for remote
Jade: lion for line
Kelly: sions for signs
Kristy: hairpoo for shampoo
Maria: ambliance for ambulance wapper snapper for whipper snapper
Rachael: fack my naked bum for smack my naked bum (at a dinner party)
Carla: minja turtles for ninja turtles
Deborah: elaphant for elephant
Erin: stister for sister, pace fainted for face painted, bagina for vagina, hop sital for hospital, tummy for dummy
Kylie: contest for concert
Candace: telling bone for telephone, measurator for tape measure
Catherine: cockporn for popcorn (thankful it’s not just my kid)
Lauren: Tom arse for Thomas and Friends
Jane: spilami for salami
Alycia: fark head for shark head (dad’s tattoo)
Sally: porncakes for pancakes
Katie: daco-daco for crocodiles, and hey dot das for helicopters, eey ub doo for I love you
Karen: prawn ducklings for prawn dumplings
Nerine: tebby dare for teddy bear
Narelle: new tube for YouTube, turtoise for turtle/tortoise, remocon control for remote control
Renita: bopplebums for pappadums
Renee: YMCAche for YMCA
Silvia: hostipal for hospital
Shannyn: soft beer for soft drink
Nikkie: all the cigarettes for Beyonce’s ‘all the single ladies’
Kimberley: hopper lakers for helicopters and Arse son for Alison (an aunty)
Danielle: pacifically for specifically
Nicole: atchell for Mitchell (an uncle), bigeraffes for giraffes
Kellie: bagina for vagina, banilla for vanilla, hopspidel for hospital, grow mups for grown ups
Jamsin: bubbafly for butterfly
Toni: for-da-get for forget
Shannon: soy sauth for soy sauce, mooyarn for mulan, assholl for Auntie Shell
Narelle: Idy for Ivy (now the family still calls her Idy)
Melanie: pollypop for lollypop, dee vee deebies for DVD
Rebecca: f*ckstrated for frustrated
Ami-Leigh: husband for Husdon (her friend)
Jasmine: blanklet for blanket, preautiful for pretty/beautiful and toyyet for toilet
Raylene: gooklyn for Brooklyn
Denise: harshgropper for grasshopper
Molly: huggle for hug/cuddle, munkin for pumpkin
Gabby: urinal for funeral
Natalie: maked for naked and blutterfly for butterfly
Elouise: miggy in the piddle for piggy in the middle
Penny: wipe screamers for windscreen wipers, revender for verandah
Teya: elevator for alligator, sloft for soft, eeso for also
Flip: peter butter for peanut butter
Penny: ma balls for marbles
Catherine: bideo for video, foomprints for footprints
Casey: nanks for thanks, flumb for thumb
Mel: knock-li-poses for binoculars, doca doca di for crocodile
Lara: elafant for elephant, banana for moana
Melanie: helicoperter for helicopter
Jill: perfdeck for perfect
Beckii: banocoli for monopoly
Kirsty: caminali for calamari
Lisa: cockcorn for popcorn, foss waysher for face washer, bone for phone, paw tatroll for Paw Patrol.
Louisa: bobba da builder for Bob The Builder
Sarah: actual mystery museum for natural history museum
Zina: biksit for biscuit, stoocar for scooter, hosindome for hospital
Sally: tonnamus for hippopotamus
Jo: backa inni for back to the beginning
Maz: moustachios for pistachios
Dawn: muskit for music, boggles for goggles, bisgetti for spaghetti, pipnic for picnic, narbles for marbles, hair conditioning for air conditioning, mawnmonger for lawn mower
Dilek: pos for because, high pad for iPad, happle for apple
Kellee: fack the fackers for crack the crackers (at Christmas time), honda donalds for McDonald’s, scoo hee me for excuse me
Rebecca: violent crumple for violet crumble, I circle yee not for I’m certainly not
Charmaine: kung fu for confused
Michelle: gobbles for goggles, cushow for pillow/cushion, I don’t matter (mix up of I don’t mind and it doesn’t matter)
Carina: hardun for pardon, donals for McDonald’s, deserations for decorations, hands two for hands full, paper toilet for toilet paper
Sherry: wo like for what would you like
Maria: hab for have
Lara: wes for yes, boofeeyall for beautiful,
Andrea: hip cups for hiccups, torch for church, lutis for lucas (his own name) boodren for bedroom
Theonie: cunummer for cucumber, ayeecupper for helicopter, wanker for white car, breen for green
Nicole: busy water for fizzy water, air pad for iPad
Ana: bolosagne for lasagna/Bolognese, lawn mama for lawn mower
Kim: lick bum for lip balm, headache in my stomach for tummy ache
Sara: book it up for look it up, wanky doodle for yankee doodle
Tracey: chocklick for chocolate, amma mammals for animals, bull bull dozer for bulldozer
Mel: fasketball for basketball
Athena: muddy cuddle for muddy puddle
Monika: cater pillow for caterpillar, ploblem for problem
Tam: sick babe for sick bay
Nikayla: ready al for already
Natalie: didded for did, nogurt for yoghurt, womit for vomit
Katie: caterpillar for pitter patter
Sandra: itchy instead of scratchy (lotto ticket)
Lou: commentary for cemetery
Germien: emmelote for envelope, skoo me for excuse me
Terry-Ann: rasshole for rascal
Rigel: pirate see for privacy, tinder for kinder
Sasha: beards for beers, soil milk for soy milk, lose for use
Krystina: foot knuckle for ankle, thumb toe for big toe, seborate for celebrate, busy for dizzy
Lisa: crockapile for crocodile
Tara: avamacado for avocado
Soonah: rollerhoop for hula hoop
Erin: mr whiffy for mr whippy, pee wee fruit for kiwi fruit, monkey flurry for McFlurry
Lauren: chip choc cookies for choc chip cookies
Katie: masshole for Marshall (his brother) hahee for honey
Ainsley: otopis for octopus, baff for bath
Neroli: marember for remember, mo toe toes for tomatoes, roletta for Loretta, cay dare for day care, gran grad for grand dad
Melissa: vargeena for vagina
Caroline: carking spot for parking spot
Cathy: Elton John for Uncle John
Karen: fonk your horn for honk your horn
Claire: werewolves for woolworths
Amanda: fookit for traffic
Anzel: up size down for up side down
Louise: google tube for Google/YouTube
Laura: letitoots for elephants, arm brows for elbows
Jenny: cigarette for serviette
Sophie: Peson for Heston (Blumenthal)
Rachel: natella for patella
Sarah: vola papino for volcano, hipamo for hippopotamus, haute canger for coat hanger
Oli: froggy for foggy (“it’s froggy outside”)
Gaya: merover for remover, tersificate for certificate, blinder for blender
Bronny: sputtink for something (“I wanna tell you sputtink”)
Sarah: puppa for paper, berriberry for strawberry, bubba for butter, boon car for blue car, beoon for spoon
Nicole: statues for tattoos, kung poo panda for kung fu panda, messymite for vegemite
Gosia: strawbilly for strawberry, jammamite for vegemite, dickin mouth for mickey mouse
Susie: lappy for nappy, focket for pocket
Star: grass for lorne (the town in Victoria, he got it confused with lawn)
Erica: arts and craps for arts and crafts
Arwen: yarbil festibal for yarraville festival, flood for blood
Leigh: dagon fry for dragon fly
Clancy: cuggle instead of cuddle
Peta: andy pants for ambulance
Kellie: cocklet for chocolate, bop it for stop it
Laksmi: Dave in Africa for David Attenborough
Robyn: pail nolish for nail polish
Erin: pigeon spinner for fidget spinner
Megan: shubbuh for shut up, pick me down for put me down
Graziela: pikea for Ikea
Em: bitchy for bit chilly
Lauren: the pickle in me for Despicable Me
Melissa: breskit for breakfast, rock in a hole for rock ‘n roll, bitar for guitar, begot for forget
Selina: penguin for pregnant (“will you be a penguin again Aunty?”)
Aleksandra: electricity for university
Ange: mateeto for tomato, lolly posh for nail polish, cockle for chocolate
Angela: underbrella for umbrella
Cristina: shawbeebee for strawberries
Sharon: kersplode for explode
Zoe: wawa for flower
Emma-Leigh: sore ass for sultantas, Tim’s sparry grass for tinned asparagus
Jenny: backback for backpack, alvacado for avocado, all the singlets for ‘all the single ladies’
Victoria: exposed for supposed, vericle for vehicle
Alice: glitterbug for litterbug, silly sauce for soy sauce
Brook: pacifically for specifically
Ruth: penis butter for peanut butter, glitter for litter, shuppup for shut up, capacacity for capacity
Monica: ‘sanitarium world’ for ‘material girl’ (by Madonna)
Jennifer: acooly for actually
Erica: fowlah for flower
Tina: munkle for angkle
Kristena: mistinguish for extinguish, baffa-lie for butterfly, bopple for bottle, bekky for brekky
Samantha: bomato for tomato
Jemma: comfa-fall for comfortable, manoculars for binoculars
Sandy: wipins for weapons
Dani: eye barrows for eyebrows
Elizabeth: snot for it’s not, mozzi squito for mosquito
Cathy: pinking for getting nails polished “Can we do the pinking?”
Marie-Pier: jymama for pyjama
Candice: flutterby for butterfly and hang coater for coat hanger
Nicole: dubba dubs for strawberries
Kim: air thing for trampoline
Johanna: woofs for dogs (“look mummy, a woof!”), from the last day for yesterday
Sharon: in the morrow for tomorrow
Kim: ear muffins for ear muffs, hand muffins for mittens, sorry sauce for soy sauce
Lauren: one – two – three – Gordon – five, Gordon is engine number four in Thomas the Tank Engine, some mint trucks for cement trucks
Sabrine: memberies for memories, ambliance for ambulance
